When I was talking to a fellow CSM at work (Lisa Bass) last week about someone, she told me that patience is a good thing and that in the end, if I was patient, I may get what I want from said someone. I then updated my status on Facebook to “Each person that I have had close to me has taught me a different lesson. The hardest lesson to learn is being taught to me right now: patience. Why is it so hard to learn this?” Then I thought that it would be a good idea to make a blog post here with various lessons that I have learned from people in my life.
I wasn’t sure what order I wanted to put these into, but I guess I will order them chronologically:
One of the first important lessons that I learned in life was from my brother Brian and our good family friend Kevin; STRENGTH. I learned this lesson from them by watching my brother not have any control over his addictions to drugs and alcohol in turn ruining his relationship with basically anyone and everyone in his life. From Kevin I learned this as well as he is probably the strongest person that I know. He hates being weak and never lets weakness that he has show. This is a little sad looking back on it now as he was in a car accident which resulted in him having brain damage that made him have memory retention and concentration issues. When you have such a deep issue like that, it is hard to hide your weakness.
I learned LUST from my first guy that I was ever interested in. His real name was Michael, but he went by Sebastian (from Cruel Intentions). I met him while I was working at the movie theatre in Santa Rosa and went over to this coffee shop that was known for being a young gay teen hangout. For those of you in Santa Rosa, you will know this shop as Aromas Roasters. Sebastian was so new and exciting for me. I remember having a conversation with Kevin about how I “needed” to borrow the car to go and see him as it was causing me physical pain. In the end, he and I never worked out and I’m pretty sure that it was just lust anyway.
FIRST LOVE was taught to me by both Lance and Danniel. I’m not 100% convinced that I loved Lance all that much as in the end I think it was more of a challenge of getting him to go out with anyone and get under his shell. I did. Then I ended up with Danniel who I had been crushing on for a long time. Danniel and I had the most amazing time together. We were inseparable and did everything together. I still think about him a lot and wonder how different life would have been if I would have met him later in life after I learned all the other lessons that were to follow. I would give anything to have another chance with him. I don’t think I will ever move on from him.
After Danniel, I learned TRUST from Jess. One of the major problems that Danniel and I had was trust. He trusted me, but I didn’t trust him. I was too scared of losing him and worried about everything with him. I trusted Jess because I loved him as well and didn’t want to repeat the same issues that I had before. Jess hung out with a large group of friends and was very close and physical with most of them. I trusted him and it did pay off. When the relationship ended, he broke it off because he wanted to sleep with other people and didn’t want to betray my trust. What a great lesson learned that worked out exactly like it was supposed to.
Kohl taught me TRUE LOVE and PASSION. Kohl is the guy that everyone wants but nobody ever gets. He would take a bullet for me I’m pretty sure. Who else would stick around after being broken up with twice and moving across the country away from everyone that you know and love just to be dumped again? He did. He does. If I could make myself have that romantic love with Kohl again, I would. Nobody else has ever been as passionate about me as Kohl. He also taught me to be a bottom and not a top! lol
JEALOUSY. This has been taught to me by a lot of people. Almost everyone in my life I have been jealous of at some point or another. People have more money, a cleaner house, a nicer car, a better job, more friends, great boyfriends, etc. What makes it worse is when the people that I am jealous of don’t even appreciate what they have! I still struggle with this one on a daily basis. I don’t have much but what I do have I am very protective of and get jealous very easily.
BETRAYAL. There are many ways that one could learn betrayal. I should have seen this one coming considering how I felt after Danniel and I had a threesome with him. Anthony would use my computer while I was at work to sex chat with people and have cyber sex. I found the logs one day and was more hurt and upset than I have ever been in my life up to that point.
HONESTY. This one I can’t really attribute to anyone but myself. I like to think that I am one of the most honest, straight forward people that I know. Generally, it is a good trait but there are times where it is a little off putting to some people. Along with this trait, I find it hard to stay quiet and not be so openly opinionated. Again, I usually think that is a good thing, but people tell me there can be too much of a good thing sometimes.
PATIENCE. This is the hardest lesson to learn and I don’t know if I will ever learn it. Right now I am trying to learn this lesson in relation to patiently waiting for something that I want really bad. Actually a couple of things that I want really bad. I want a new computer that I have been saving for the last few months for. When I want something, I am like a toddler. I want it now! I am learning as I get older that the world doesn’t work that way. The other think that I want at the moment is a person. In this situation, I am just biding my time and being the best me that I can be and when my number comes up, I hope that he will remember that. In this situation, I am reminded of a quote from Randy Pausch and his Last Lecture: “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!” I usually want things pretty badly and have a way of making them happen. Unfortunately, this isn’t a thing. It is a person and that takes two to make it happen.
I think that is enough lessons for now. I hope to make a follow up post to this in the future and let everyone know how patience works out and update you on all the other lessons that I learn.