Brain Dump!

It has been a while since I have posted anything here on my blog, but thought that now would be a good time to do this.

I have been trying to get back into learning to program and stuff so that I can feel creative again in a way that doesn’t cost anything. I can be creative, but lately I haven’t been that creative or when I have been it has needed money to do so. In addition to this, I have been thinking of going back to school to get education in something. I think that I want to go back into computer networking or something. I have been looking at my options here in Wisconsin and unfortunately, I had better options back in California.

Santa Rosa Junior College was WAY cheaper than anything that is here. The closest thing to the JC here is Western Technical College. The difference? SRJC has classes for like $28 a unit and WTC has classes for $116 a unit. BIG difference. I should have gone to school when I had the chance right out of high school and not waited to even consider it until now when I am almost 30.

Since the last time that I made a post on here, Kohl has moved out of the apartment and Alex has moved into his room. So far it is going pretty good. The only time there is an issue is when he “hovers” around me. He tends to do this quite often and it is a little creepy (but not in a completely terrible way). It is just something that I have never had anyone else do around me and it bugs the shit out of me. I have started to tell him when he does it, but it still happens.

In addition to this lately, I have some other drama going on in my life. I have a major crush on this guy at work and he has started communicating with me on a daily basis. Of course, I am not one to keep things secret or anything so I dropped in a text to him yesterday that I was attracted to him. His response was that he didn’t really notice and didn’t know what to say. To make things more complicated, he still has a boyfriend. I know that I should totally lay off and leave this flaming pile of dog shit alone, but I can’t help but want to step all over it! I always go for what I want and I usually get what I want.

Let me be clear: I DO NOT WANT TO CAUSE A BREAKUP with him and his current boyfriend. I want him to be happy and feel that if they break up, that will not attain that goal. However, if he is unhappy in the situation anyway, why not be an attractive option on the side if he wants something different. At this point it is still WAY too early to tell if there is and/or will ever be anything there.

Which brings me to another topic that is related to this. I have a hard time – no, not a hard time – it is impossible for me to have a person in more than one category in my life. I’ll explain. When I meet someone, they will fall into one of two categories. They will be in the friend category and that is where they will stay or they will be in the relationship category and that is where they will stay. There is no “cross pollination” between the two. You are one or the other. This, as you can imagine, makes my interpersonal relationships difficult when it comes to crushes and relating to others who look at things with a little more flexibility.

If I could change this thing about me, would I? Probably not. Why? Because it is part of who I am and I am and have always been fine with who I am. I think that a lot of people aren’t this way because they are trying to fit into what everyone else thinks that they should be like. I am the way I am. This always reminds me of something that my ex-boyfriend Danniel once told me – “Nobody thinks like you do!” in such a way as to tell me the way that I think and view the world was wrong. It still hurts to this day when I think about it. The thing that sucks is that recently both Kohl and Alex have said similar things to me that made me reflect on this.

Something that I have a habit of doing as well that relates to this is being very up front and honest with people. I told the aforementioned guy that I was attracted to him with no lead in or anything. I just needed to put it out there. When I love someone, I tell them even if it is too soon, or not socially acceptable at the time, etc. When I have feelings, I want to let them out and express them. Anger is the most common feeling that I have and show because I refuse to be upset and hold it in. I want to take action and have others take action to correct whatever is making me angry. When I am happy, I like to tell people that I am in a good mood. When I have affection, I like to pass that along as well. If there is something on my mind, typically you will know what it is. Why can’t others be so transparent? Wouldn’t the world be a better, more honest place?

People are too afraid of the truth and honesty. That is the issue.

I was also reading back on my previous posts on here and reflecting on my past relationships in regards to what I was thinking at the time and what I was writing about them on here. It looks like I fit the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. When I posted this to my Facebook page, a friend responded “Well, honestly…..I do the same thing over and over again until I get the result I am looking for,….It’s called “if at first you don’t succeed, try try again”” Is that the advice that I should take? I feel like the only reason that I want to take that advice is because I want that to be the advice to take. Alex has been pointing this out to me a lot recently when I have been talking about the person above.

The other night I was talking with Alex about life and how I believe that when we are born we have free will to do whatever we like but there are “milestones” that are set in stone. Our birth, death and big milestones are the things that we cannot change and will happen to us no matter what we do. It is how we go from milestone to milestone that we have control over. I gave the example of how when my mom and I had to move to Wisconsin and it all very quickly just worked itself out. That was a milestone that no matter what happened, it was going to happen.

In addition to this, I also subscribe to the idea that life could be all in our heads. Click here for a great description of this that I am not going to outline in this post. I believe in this because too many things have worked out for me because I simply wanted them badly enough. Material things, trips, people, you name it! I could be incredibly lucky or I could have figured out that if I want something bad enough, I can “will” it into happening in my reality. This is getting really deep and I could probably go on for hours, but I do need to end this post at some point. I hope that you all enjoyed a complete brain dump from me on this, the 21st day of October, 2010.

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