Life is so strange sometimes. People that you once hated, can become people that you are in love with. Things that you used to look down upon can become your norm. 2008 has definitely thrown my life a curve ball. I don’t even know where to start.

Time and new places obviously change people. I could not have imagined this person that I have become in just the last 2 1/2 months. I have become a very social, outgoing party person where I throw parties and drink often. I am in no way an alcoholic, but I am more open to all these situations.

I have opened myself up to people who I never thought I could. I have allowed myself to change the way I think about life, social interactions and relationships. There is a lot you can learn from yourself and people who are like you.

I have never met someone who reminds me of myself as much as Jared. I also have only felt feelings like this towards one other person in my life; Danniel. As anyone who knows me is already aware, when Danniel and I were together, I was a completely different person. I liked that person. After Danniel, I became someone else. I didn’t really like that person. I am happy to get back that feeling that I can be that person that I liked so many years ago.

As part of this, there is a new movie theater opening here in Onalaska next year, and I may apply to work there. Sure, I can do so much better, but I really liked that job – more so than any other job in my life. I miss that job almost as much as I miss who I was at that job. I wish I could go back and make things right with that period of my life. But, you live and learn and hopefully you will not make the same mistakes as you did in the past. I will not mess up this time. Jared will be different. It already is different.

It is hard to explain what I mean by this, but I can feel that it is different. We watched American Beauty last night together and there is a line in that movie that really hits home for me in this situation; “It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.” I am constantly realizing that I have this ability so much so here than in California.

I am getting into a situation that equally excites and scares me. Jared and I are dating now, so I guess he is my “boyfriend”. He goes to school 3 hours away for most of the year up in the twin cities. I like having time to myself and distance can make a relationship stronger, but I am worried that it won’t in this case and everything that we have will all fall apart. I don’t want it to, and I don’t think he does either. Time will tell. I will definitely be traveling to the cities more often in that case, because (even though it has only been a short while that I have known him) I am really going to miss seeing and being with him. His smile lights up my soul. His presence makes my day. I eagerly wait for every contact with him. I can sit and talk about something really deep and intellectual or dumb and weird, or just be with him and be happy.

I look toward the future and hope to see him in it as far as the eye can see and my imagination can carry me. I really do feel different about this situation than any other in my life (save for Danniel).

Well, enough about that, I feel like all I have been doing lately is having thoughts about this and obsessing over it, but it truly is very important to me. I just need to follow another quote form American Beauty; “Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”

And, of course the hardest thing for anyone from Moulin Rouge; “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” And I have to put this in somewhere; To Jared; “Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can’t fight… you’re free to leave me, but just don’t deceive me, and please believe me when I say I love you! ”

I hope I can learn it right this time around and not have to relate to another quote from Moulin Rouge “Today’s the day when dreaming ends.”

In and through all of this mess that has been my life in the last few weeks, I have wanted nothing more than to be where I am happiest; Disneyland. I am so far away from my “safety blanket” now, that it is hard to actually have to deal with a situation like this. I wanted to get away from it all, to forget the drama, to just be somewhere else. In the end, I think that I have grown a lot so far this year, and in a way I hope that it is a sign of things to come as growing and learning is part of being alive. That is one thing that I can say about it – I have never felt so alive (and dead) in my life as I have in these past few days.

No matter what happens in life, you always learn from your experiences and that is what we all have to remember as we go through all of our crazy lives. See you on the other side of this adventure.