Archive for March, 2005

Gay as a Negative Adjective is So Gay!
Update by Bruce on Mar. 24th, 2005 | link to this post

Now I’m not one to be PC, the term alone is enough to make me want to
beat a Muslim with a fetus. However, I feel I have matured enough to
finally take a firm stand on the middle school definition of something
that is sucky or… Gay. To be fair, a gay man can be very sucky
–usually to another gay man or group of gay men. But the term gay as
a synonym for shitty, crappy, bad, or stupid has officially run its
course. Like the O.C., it’s O.ver.

First off, it’s phenomenally rude. Do you think it would really fly
with my brothers and sisters of color out there if someone asked you,
“Hey did you catch that new John Stamos show Jake in Progress?”and you
responded, “Nah, that shit looks totally African American.” You’d be
black soon too, friend. Black and blue. And how would all my sexy
yellow Asian pals out there feel if someone asked you, “Hey did you
ever read the Da Vinci Code?” and you responded, “Dude, reading is so
Oriental.” Not only would they tell you that Oriental is a type of rug
or cuisine and not a person, but they would also hit you in the face
with a stick of bamboo. Bamboo + BAM! = boo boo.

Secondly, have you honestly ever met a gay guy who wasn’t cooler than
just about everyone you know? They dress better than us. They do
cooler drugs than us. Their drinks are stronger and more colorful.
Their witty comments are far more hilarious than ours, and their
zingers zing like the tangy taste of frikkin’ Miracle Whip. You and I
both know that gay dudes are always surrounded by gorgeous women who
fawn over their every move and would gladly let them touch their tits.

I’ve seen like 53 gay guys just grab a chick’s tits and the chick will
laugh and laugh or make like she loves it and it’s the hottest thing
ever. When I grab a chick’s tits I either have a lawsuit on my hands
or far worse, a serious relationship!

How is it that the word gay became associated with something that
wasn’t cool? It’s not like on Queer Eye the Fab Five come in and make
your apartment look like the Jersey Turnpike. You know, really awful.
They make it look great, awesome, dare I say fabulous! They buy you
cool clothes, they save your hair from looking like it’s the ’90s,
they make you hipper than you really are. Yet how do you reward
Carson, Tom, Jai, et al? By saying that the hockey strike is so gay as
is the whole damn sport as well as the entire nation of Canada.

Yes professional hockey sucks dick, but it is certainly not gay, sir!
Granted there are grown men on ice skates, a lot of stick handling,
and once those teeth are knocked out nothin’ beats a gummy blowjob.
But dammit, hockey is not gay.

I propose a new and improved term for things that honk. The next time
one of your chums asks, “Hey are you going to go see Miss Congeniality
2 next weekend?” Why don’t you try out my new patented buzzword for
the blowworthy. “Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous? Are you out
of your mind? That shit looks completely CHRISTIAN.” Let’s face it.
There is nothing less cool than Christianity. Try watching a little
Trinity Broadcast Network for a while. Stick around for their hip-hop
or skateboarding shows. Go check out Mel Gibson’s The Passion Recut.
Or better yet, chillax with the gang down at your local campus
ministries program. Trust me, after 3 minutes of free pizza, bible
reading, and the old hymn sing you’ll say to yourself, “Jesus Christ
these people are fucking Christian!”