If only my pirates would just go on vacation…..

For those of you who don’t know about my pirates, the story starts in Las Vegas two years ago. Beth and I decided that when there was inner termoil (or emotional distress), we would refer to it as my pirates are fighting in similarity to the Treasure Island Pirate Battle. Which while writing this I have discovered that the show no longer exists in the form that it once was in. Poo.

Back to my post… My pirates have been raging a battle against a new, unknown entity. In the last month, I have had the strangest emotions. It is like there is another person that was born inside me that I don’t know. Who is this new being within me? Apparently it is TRUE love as far as I can see it. This is a dangerous place to be. At any moment it can turn on my defenceless heart and kill me. That is what is scary. My mind is trying to put up its defences, but this new being is using its power to overthrow the defenses. I have not concluded whether these defences are actually needed or not, but I have a feeling that when I do find out, it will be too late. It is very much like a trojan horse of love. It is a great gift, but when are the men going to come out and slaughter my city? I have never been so scared and not in control of anything im my life. I don;t know what to do.

Part of me wants to run, but a more powerful part of me is too curious and wants to chance the pain to see where it goes. If only there was a way to see how it would all end, I would feel a lot better. Will it end with my death at an old age, in my sleep next to him, or will it end alone and forgotten on a cold slab of concrete, like those beggars in San Francisco. I am so scared there are really no words to describe it. I can only hope that with time, it will work itself out, and let my mind be at rest.

Although my mind is at rest when he is with me, we haven’t had much of that time to be together recently. All I want is to curl up in his arms and never have to move until I feel better about things. It is just so hard to get that. I have always been very independant, and now I need another to continue. If that other were to leave, I think only 1/2, if not less would be left of my former self. I just don’t know, and again I am scared.

BTW: I post lyrics, because they explain my feelings like Kohl’s poetry to me, but I am not poetic, so I span the universe to find the perfect words through song…

Lyrics (Partial):
So she said what’s the problem baby
What’s the problem I don’t know
Well maybe I’m in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can’t stop thinking ’bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can’t ignore it if it’s love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don’t know nothing ’bout love

More(From Phantom of the Opera, I changed the parts to match me):

KOHL:
No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears.
I’m here, nothing can harm you – my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,let daylight dry -your tears.
I’m here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you . . .
TAGE
Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime . . .
Say you need me with you, now and always . . .
promise me that all you say is true – that’s all I ask of you . . .
KOHL
Let me be your shelter, let me be your light. You’re safe: No-one will find you your fears are far behind you . . .
TAGE
All I want is freedom, a world with no more night . . .
and you always beside me to hold me and to hide me . . .
KOHL
Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you from your solitude . . .
Say you need me with you here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go, let me go too – Tage, that’s all I ask of you . . .
TAGE
Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime . . .
say the word and I will follow you . . .
BOTH
Share each day with me, each night, each morning . . .
TAGE
Say you love me . . .
KOHL
You know I do . . .
BOTH
Love me – that’s all I ask of you . . .
(They kiss)
Anywhere you go let me go too . . .
Love me – that’s all I ask of you . .

More (Kylie Minogue):

I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy your loving is all I think about
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about

I just can’t get you out of my head

EVEN MORE:

You’re just too good to be true.
Can’t take my eyes off you.
You’d be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I’m alive.
You’re just too good to be true.
Can’t take my eyes off you.

I love you baby, and if it’s quite allright,
I need you baby to warm the lonely night.
I love you baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh pretty baby, don’t bring me down, I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you. Stay.

MORE (Moulin Rouge):

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I’ve never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

And there’s no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

DAMN, WILL IT EVER END?:

For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I’ve needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
Somehow I know I’ll be strong

For once in my life
Yeah Somebody like my
Ooh baby

That is good enough for now….