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Man oh man, what a month
I know that I haven’t written on Live Journal for a while. I need to start doing it more, but have had no time, or no push to do so. It just takes so much effort to sit here and type what I did, or my thoughts. It is interesting to read what other people think all the time.
Joseph – I don’t know why you think that everyone hates you, or is displeased with you at work, or other places. It is okay. Chill out a little. Also, I don’t know why you hate me so much. WHat have I done to you? I seriously don’t know, but would like to.
In this last month I have come clean about a lot of stuff to the people that matter. Jess got in to his theatre thing (pronounced “seesa” but it is an acronym that I don’t remember). I am happy for him, and was going to visit him, but he doesn’t want me to visit. Last week we almost broke up, and I was a mess for my day off. That sucked the most ever. I had been working for six straight days in a row, and was really looking forward to getting a day off, but then I was an emotional wreck. I was really hurt. I love Jess a lot. I wish that this incident wouldn’t have happened, but it did. I am glad that he talked to me about it, and not just pretended that everything was okay, like previous folks.
Also, rumor has it that Zack has been drinking, and experimenting with substances, which really disappoints me. I know that he only does this stuff to get closer to Maya. I really liked Maya before Jessica Finn. Now she is a completely different person, and I don’t like the new Maya. Another thing that I admitted to myself is that I really HATE alcohol. I don’t understand it, and I wish that it would all just disappear one day, and everyone would forget about that fact that it ever existed. I want to find more people that don’t want to drink or smoke, or anything. I feel so alone in my opinions on this matter, and it sucks!! I want to feel like part of a group again, in my opinions and likes/dislikes. I love Jess, but he is right, we really don’t have that much in common. I want to be out in the world again, and not have to hear about drugs, or stories about drugs or alcohol. UGH!!! It makes me so mad. I don’t know why. I need some friends that are like me, the REAL me. I want to be known as the REAL Tage, and not the dumb Tage that just gets along with everyones views.
Well, that should be long enough of an update for a while. I want to finish cleaning my fish tank and my room up. I really just wnat to go to work, and drown myself in it, and forget that I am alive for a while. I like that feeling. Too busy to know that I am alive.
| Print article | This entry was posted by Tage on June 20, 2003 at 10:38 PM, and is filed under Relationship. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site. |
about 7 years ago
i am so serious about not getting drunk any more. i see why u would just think im being dumb but i know if i stopped drinking i’d have a lot less problems. so we are gonna start slow. yer my witness. i wont be intoxicated for 6 months starting today. after that i dont think ill need to anymore. im sick of the bull shit drinking brings. you are very wise and im beginning to see this. im in the mood for a change. i need to improve myself and i dont see getting drunk as being helpful. hang in there and i hope thing get better. see ya at work!
about 7 years ago
hello real tage! *pokes you*
about 7 years ago
Hi tage! I think its really good of you to be that role model, even if its not on purpose. People rightly respect you for it and want to do better. I hope there are some great “real tages” out there. Maybe one will find their way to the roxy… :]
I want you to know i’ll always consider you a friend.
about 7 years ago
I really miss the old Maya.
If I had something else to say that wouldn’t sound stupid, it would be occupying this space instead of this sentence I am typing.
about 7 years ago
I think that everyone does.
about 7 years ago
everyone goes through stages, they have to experiment and see what life is like from different views. I do a lot of things that i havent done before and find that when you are with people you really can be yourself around, and really have fun with it doesnt matter what you do or how you act. you can drink, you can smoke if you want. No one who really cares about you should judge you for what you do… people may become concerned, but did anyone ever consider why people do things out of the ordinary like drink or smoke pot? I get tired of being me every so often. I feel that i need to let go sometimes, and relax and not worry. I feel that by altering my state of mind with alcohol that i can just exist in harmony with others and just have a good time laughing or talking. its not something to do all the time and isnt something that should be looked down on…it should be something everyone in the world should try under the right circumstances, and not let it all be controlled by drama. I guess i just enjoy being able to not care as much as the average person mainly because i worry too much normally…its a nice break, and the next moring its envigorating to wake up and not be all hung over…just to wake up easily and jump out of bed and do your shit…its how it works for me…its like a dream that happens, and you wake up feeling like you need to accoplish something for the time you were wasted. okay like i said dont shoot it down until you try it under the right circumstances…and by that i mean with people who wont hit on you or try to molest you, just people to chat with and joke with and want to talk to the real you and not the one who is always controlled.
about 7 years ago
(I POSTED THIS ON MY SITE IN RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT ME SUBCONCIOUSLY PUTTING PEOPLE ON GUILT TRIPS; JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T CHECK BACK TO MY SITE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW MY RESPONSE.)
you don’t sound bitchy…you sound honest. i do have that trait, and i am sorry for that. a big problem with having that “way” with people is that i can’t really ask for ANYTHING without surreptitiously (in an inadvertant way) put people on guilt trips. what am i to do with that? should i not ask anyone for anything? we all ask people for things…every single day. what needs to be done is people need to tell me that i am putting them on a guilt trip and let me know their TRUE feelings on the particular issue. like i said, i truly do hate to inconvenience people, and knowing that asking for ANYTHING is inconveniencing people makes me feel like committing suicide because, like i said, we ask people for things EVERY DAY. like i said, i am truly sorry for that trait. i can’t really control it. i just tell the truth. like with javier, i said that i have two miles to walk after walking all day and i have holes in my shoes (which i showed him). that’s just honesty. im not TRYING to put anyone on a guilt trip…im only EXPLAINING why i need what im asking for. i hope my predicament is easy to see because it sucks! haha…seriously. when i say that it’s “no biggie if you can’t help me or give me a ride home,” im SERIOUS. im not just saying that to make you feel guilty…im dead serious. i really don’t want to inconvenience people. i figure that as long as you are aware of that, you can tell me that it honestly would be inconveniencing you to help me. that would work great.
so, to sum up what i’ve rambled on about, just let me know (honestly) if i am inconveniencing you or putting you on a guilt trip. it would really help to know when im doing it because perhaps it could help me find a new way to ask for things. let’s make a sort of game out of it, for positive purposes, to keep us all from being overly serious and social hypocondriacs. hehe…again, im sorry for all the times i’ve put anyone on guilt trips or inconvenienced them. it kills me to know that i’ve been doing that for so long. seriously…perhaps that’s another factor of my dark depressive mind; just KNOWING that i do these terrible things to people. sorry…and thanks, tage, for being honest. it really helps.
about 7 years ago
FUCK MAYA!! i can write for days about how my life has not in any way improved since i’ve met her. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i love her and would, without a second thought, jump in front of a bullet that was meant to kill her. i am proud to say that i haven’t called/talked to/or hung out with maya for over a week and a half. everyone goes through changes, and she is in just ANOTHER phase…that’s why im not immature enough to just say, “i hate her and will never be her friend again,” because i KNOW that she is just in another phase and won’t be like this FOREVER. but i say, “FUCK MAYA,” because it’s my emancipation proclamation for my life. i mean, my life revolved around her and her schedule. im FREE. im feeling better everyday. today, she came in with adrian and another friend to see Pirates of the Caribbean. she yelled, “hiiiii” in her own way, and i just looked at her and turned my head. awesome…im so fucking cool!! i feel so strong…like i’ve overcome a big obstacle. it feels great…so, as my emancipation proclamation goes, “FUCK MAYA!” but don’t be mistaked…i don’t hate her. i will always be there for her and will come back when the time feels right (when she changes and tries to rekindle OUR friendship instead of me trying to rekindle it). awesome…i feel free…but all alone because now i see exactly how much time maya took up. now, i have to go out and find people to hang out with. im improving…but it isn’t easy. wow…im rambling. alright…cool. maya will change again…don’t think that she’s gonna be like this FOREVER. remember that snakes shed their skin all the time and they become refreshed and new. likewise with people, and maya. change is inevitable.